Lost & Found
As this year is coming to a close I decided to reflect back a little over the past year and sort of take stock of - ups and downs? yeah I guess we can call it that - of my life. I have secretly been doing that a lot lately anyway but thought what better time to share my experiences with you guys. This is my story of how I became a photographer and why.
2014 was a massive year. It was also a massively scary year. Personally I had to go through a bit of a soul searching exercise to get to the bottom of a few issues that, quite frankly, were holding me back and depriving me of reaching any potential I might have in terms of meeting that elusive special someone and starting that family I always wanted so intensely. I was pushing every guy away I ever met and not because they were not right for me but rather because I had absolutely no freaking idea how to handle those feelings. Scary. Very scary stuff. Feelings. Urgh. No thanks, can't quite handle that. But give me a baby and we are sweet....needles to say that didn't quite work.
After being on a path of self destruction and negative behaviour - including blaming everyone but myself for my failures and taking one job after the other that I neither wanted nor cared about - I had enough. One day I simply got up and walked out of that office door. I had not planned it, had no other job to go to and had no idea what was going to happen next.
I just took a giant leap of faith.
I cried for days. I felt like the biggest failure that had ever walked on this earth. I just quit my job. My high paying prestigious fashion job. I spent the good part of my life working towards that BIG corporate fashion job with a high end designer and when I finally got there I hated it. Every single minute of it. I felt sick doing the commute every morning knowing that I would spend the next 12 hours locked in an office in a highly stressful working environment with no time to barely breathe, let alone enjoy my lunch or go to the bathroom. Yeah, you read right. The bathroom. My family and friends always told me how well I had done, how talented I was and how proud I should be. And I was, but I felt sick. All the time. Something inside me kept telling me something was wrong and the more I tried to ignore it the louder that voice became. I lived like this for years hoping that one day I would feel comfortable doing this job and was convinced that the old saying "good things come to those who wait" was going to happen to me too. Guess what, it didn't.
So. I started a photography business. And the voice went away. That sick empty feeling went away. Oh. Light bulb moment! You see, I am a creative being. What I was actually doing for all those years was ignoring that fact and not paying attention to my innate need to be creative. And when I say creative I don't mean making a scrap book (although there is nothing wrong with that) I mean creating something that fuels my soul, ignites my passion for life and sets me on my true path in life. Photography ticks all those boxes. It gives me purpose, I feel like I am making a difference to peoples' lives giving them amazing and precious experiences that money can't buy. But more importantly I feel ALIVE.
The road is still long and there are always going to be bumps along the way but I am prepared for that. I have no plan B. This is it. And you know what, something funny has happened. I don't push people away anymore....
Thank you all for your love & support throughout the hard times, the happy times and the weird times ( always going to be a few of those ). I made this collage for you :) xx